One of the problems with not pleasing everyone around me anymore is that sometimes I hurt them by the things that I do.

Twice now - twice I've hurt people, through actions I've been proud of. Beliefs I've stood up for. Both times I hurt friends. I did not mean to. I did not try to. But I hurt them.

Now what? Must I continually reconcile standing up for what I believe in and hurting those I love? Must I continually forgive myself when they will not forgive me?

I do not know if the second friend will forgive me. I hope she does. I hope, if anyone who knows her reads this, they tell her I did not mean to hurt her. Because it is clear she will not speak to me.

How could I have known? How could I have known about her past and that talking about what we debated about would hurt her so? I am sad our beliefs differ so much. But I do not think we should stop being friends. But...that is up to her to reconcile with. It is up to her to decide if she wants to forgive me and become friends again, or not. She is the one who was hurt; it is up to her to decide. I think anything I do at this point will only remind her of our fighting and prolong her anger. I think I need to leave her alone for a while, to cool down, to talk to other people, to cry. I did not mean to hurt her. I do not *like* hurting people. I like making people happy. I like it when other people like me. I like having friends. I like being good and kind to people. The problems come when the definitions of what is 'good' and 'kind' get mixed and everyone has a different view of right and wrong. Not even right and wrong - semantics, and the specifics of morality. The gray.

I hate hurting people. I hate hurting her. I hate that she is hurt and that my going to her will make her angry, instead of being comforting, as the presence of a friend would be. But I am the aggressor. I am who and what is hurting her, so my going to her would not help. It must be she who comes to me when she is ready - I cannot force myself upon her. I already tried to talk to her once, and she was very clearly not ready to speak to me. I will have to wait.

I hate waiting, though. I hate it. It is not fair. Now I have to live with my guilt, and I have papers to write and finals to study for and she is on my mind. I cannot stop thinking about it. That is why I am writing, because I cannot stop thinking about it and thus I cannot work, and I need to work. Very badly. Finals are coming. The end of the semester is nigh.

So I go, I go
To paths unknown
Where storms do rage and
winds do blow
Down to write papers
And put on a show
And when will she speak to me?
I do not know.
I do not know.

And furthermore, the internship I have an interview for tomorrow morning is campaigning all summer for the very same subject which my friend now hates me for believing in.

She doesn't hate me for believing in it, though. She probably hates me because I brought it up, and fought for it, and she is personally offended by it because of certain circumstances in her life. That I knew about only partway through the conversation - how could I have known they would have affected her so deeply? I was arguing a point; we were not having a dialogue. (When I say 'dialogue', I mean when both people actually listen to each other and can learn from one another. A debate is an entirely different thing - you are trying to prove something. In a dialogue you listen and respond and learn. You can still try to prove things but you are much more open to change than in a debate. We were having a debate.) All seemed normal until she stormed off, obviously hurt.

I did not know. I did not know. I did not know.

But I should not have to apologize. I feel terrible, but not necessarily apologetic. The reason I want to apologize is for her not to be mad at me anymore. I do not think I have anything to apologize for. I did not mean to hurt her; I stood up for what I believed in, and continued in what, in my eyes, was a perfectly normal (though heated) conversation. I could not have known she was so deeply affected by these issues.

So what about this summer, this internship? Will I hurt other poeple? I will probably not be as close to the other people, and we will be talking about the subject at hand, instead of chatting at dinner.

I believe in choice. I believe in every woman's right to choose what is right for her body. I myself would never have an abortion, I do not think (depending on the health risks, but hopefully if I"m ever pregnant it's because i want to be) but if I wanted an abortion who is anyone else to tell me what to do with my body? Yes, the fetus is also a life. I believe a fetus is a life. But whether or not anyone thinks abortion should happen is kind of irrelevent to the whole debate. Abortions happen whether they are legal or not. Before abortion became legal, women performed abortions in all sorts of horrific ways - coat hangers, swallowing poison and tons of bad pills to try and kill the baby. Most often they wind up harming or killing themselves. And/or getting illegal abortions with sketchy people in dark alleys. Abortions do not stop happening because they are made illegal. They will always happen. The question is whether they will continue to happen safely and in the light and whether we will continue to treat women's bodies as incubators for babies, or as something to be protected - a life to be protected as well. Also, if a fetus is a life, is not an egg a life? Should i weep over every menstruation? People who argue a fetus is a life usually point out the *potential* for life, because it's not formed into a person yet. Well, neither is an egg, and it also has the potential for life. Ditto sperm. There is no way I can give birth to every egg in my body. Eggs die all the time. I'm born with billions of them inside of me, and millions die every day. They are absorbed into the other eggs around them. It's a perfectly normal process - we're not even aware of it. Death is a part of life. Those potential babies are going to die. There are banks full of frozen feti, feti that will *die* within a few years if they are not born. Any woman who argues that no life should be wasted should get one of those feti inside her pronto. Come on! They're being wasted! Oh? What was that? You wanted someone ELSE to deal with pregnancy and interuppting her life, career, etc? Oooh, you believe no life should be wasted, except when you have to deal with it. Gotcha.

Pro-choice. My body, my choice.